life 2

friday morning didn't start well. and now i've spent a little more time that suitable in the bathroom trying to look like i haven't been crying. writing an email to magnus, i realized what is happening to me right now. this is the most emotional time in my life in a long time. i feel like i am 18 years old. i am lost, walking through a haze. contantly on the verge of tears. seeing my life infront of me, put out like a project plan time line. like a schedule. as if i know what is going happen, as if there will never be surprises again. copenhagen just hasn't done good things for me. i am more lost and confused than ever. i am more insecure, more labil. life isn't supposed to do this to you. i am honestly just sad and melancolic about my life. so many feelings that don't have any ground, regret, disappointment, hopelessness.
i need to focus, and get some energy. be stronger and stop being a victim of life. life happens to everyone. i should be able to do that too.

life 1

i am too young to feel like i am wasting my life. here starts the progress of me finding out what i want, asking for it, and then leaving if it does not happen. it's simple right? i guess all we need is a plane ticket out of here, why is life so complicated?

general pass time

i made origami

talking about red wine, french authors

just spent some time reading a blog from an american living in copenhagen. very strange to look into someones life like that, until i realized that i had read her article in bitch magazine. it's clear that she is not stoked about denmark, neither is the girl that i work with. she seems to be hanging on the door to get out as soon as possible, except she is from mexico and some kind of permanent residency could be coming soon, after seven years in the country. i don't know what's better. either way, this american girl clearly has a feeling of living abroad. pointing out cultural differences, foods and places. this gave me the same strange feeling that i got after listening to two american ladies, just moved to paris, they were very excited to be in paris. talking about red wine, french authors, and parisian places like montmartre and le cinqieme arrondissement. at that time i had been in paris for a year and was a week from leaving, and i couldn't help but feel as if they had been decieved. yesterday at dinner, fredrik had some people over, he had been dog sitting a husky, i was mistaken for an american again. the german, the swede and the danes each talking about how their country is easily the most rasist of them all. one of the girls said, "oh, i just forgot that we were in denmark", thinking that we were all in berlin. what a nice feeling, to be unintentionally displaced, and in a second travel 1000 kilometers. maybe that is time travel.

2010

i want to be excited about the future, i always thought that i was so forward seeing, living more in the future than in the present. since when did i become so critical to the future, as if it doesn't have anything to offer me. even moving to new countries and learning new languages doesn't seem exciting anymore, which was the most exciting thing to me before. moving to a new country just sounds boring, and learning a new language just sounds like more work. i guess denmark is not different enough to feel good. how do you feel good about the future and life? i need to think about it. the only thing i generally look forward to is going home from work and working on the origami/knitting/ukulele/photo project i have at home. this will have to represent the new year, no mountains in sight in denmark.

2009

the toast punx lives are so amazing. i wonder if they know that. maybe it is looking at their top ten's of 2009 that condenses the most awesome things of the year into an easy to read ten bullet list, unrealistically reflecting the year, but it makes me feel like my life is not worth living as much as theirs are. i know their lives are filled with epic moments, that they know will stick with them forever, epic friendships that will fill them with nostalgia every time they think about them. i think they have people all over the world heartbroken for them, because i think of them with nostalgia, but they continue to live every day like that. i would rather be a toast punx than get paid. that's it

copenhagen 2009

- copenhagen in the summer: did it - check
- climate change conference: not the cop itself but klimaforum, the people's conference, way cooler - check
- paint furniture: we painted the bathroom - check
- collect jars: use for drinking and storing lentils - check
- make jam: plum compotte - check
- have a bike: several, they all suck - check
- free lunches: only two thirds subsidized - check

lawrence's hair

salvation.jpg

found this on my desktop after someone used my computer

summer lady bug

december: darkness darkness darkness darkness

i want to go back to slo

my poor heart

copenhagen is cold, and people are not nearly as awesome as in slo. i miss my friends and the kids, and everyone amazing and nice and awesome.

in copenhagen, people are danish. surprise. and not happy kids biking around with tape recorders and tall cans.

yeah, really miss our california life, and all it included.

hearts and bones

i have been listening hearts and bones almost non-stop for two weeks, is it making me crazy..

i need to

i don't know. i need to something. but i feel like i just need to scream really loud. i don't want to go to sleep, and i don't want to talk to anyone. i don't want a hug, i don't want to go to work. i don't want to see people, and i don't want to put any effort into anything. great, now i should sleep and then go to work.

infomercial

stuttgart

soon my two weeks in stuttgart are finally over. and i can't wait getting back to vesterbrogade 208. out of my soon two months at my new job, i've spent three weeks in other countries. but stuttgart is not so bad. swabian food is not so bad. it's been nice. i've been able to have long discussions about sustainability and environmentalism, feminism and politics as usual, and i think i understand the people i work with more. i'm kind of really excited to be in this situation right now, with free thinkers and compassionate people. things are really happening, moving fast for us. and i think that in the next few years, everything will be different, and we will have started it all. but besides this, i really want to go home. i miss our room, and our coach, and our bikes, and copenhagen. and i think that copenhagen will grow on my enormously in the time that i will be there. and right now i miss it, and i miss lawrence, and i hate being apart. i'm never never homesick. but right now i'm tired of hotels, eating out and not having anything to come home to. and i miss lawrence. copenhagen this summer is going to be amazing, and colin is flying in from LA, and just a new life. travelling puts life on hold, limbo, or maybe this is when life happens. anyway, i'm really looking forward to some summer, copenhagen parks, and maze walks at midnight and bike rides to beaches and other parts of town.

vesterbrogade 208

one more day at jenatzystraat 25

danemark

so we're moving. again. but this is the last time, i hope. the last time we pack our giant suitcases. the last time we throw away the flyers we kept and magazines we picked up. last time we pick down everything from the walls. again. last time we bring our suitcases on the metro, tram and train. last time we look for a place. last time I go to a thrift store, see an old cup with pink flowers that I like and say "there's no point, i'm going to have to leave it anyway". last time we have to leave our bikes, to later find them sold to a girl that runs everywhere, or crashed and stolen from behind boo boo's.
although, this time doesn't seem as fun. not at easy. not as cheap. a little more difficult, a little more bitter sweet. good bye to cheap veggie markets, goodbye to crazy signes, goodbye to cheap fancy beer, goodbye to jenatzy 25, goodbye to the renewable energy house with its gossip and giant coffee machine.
but there is no melancholi as when we left san luis obispo, and i suppose that makes it better. cause there is no place i would rather live right now. but i'm happy for my new job, and copenhagen in the summer, and promises of the climate change conference. and the possibility to paint furniture, collect jars, make jam, have a bike. i hope it is all free lunches from here on out.

share

"Fidelity": Don't Divorce... from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.

choices

jag blev plötsligt väldigt sugen på att lära känna nya människor. men ändå inte, nästan lite trött på många av de människor som jag lärt känna som jag inte har något gemensamt med och förhållandet har varit samma de senaste tre åren, lite trött och hopplös på att hålla kontakten. jag skulle vilja lära känna folk, eller bättra mitt förhållande med vissa, men det blir aldrig av. jag tänker alltid att folk inte vill lära känna mig bättre, jag är lite avig, har svårt att prata med människor en och en, vill alltid verka smart men har lite svårt att hitta orden ibland, och så sitter jag bara där och babblar i evigheter om queer förhållanden utan mål. jag skulle vilja bara träffa någon som jag har något gemensamt med, som inte är som jag. jag har alltid tänkt att det har varit bra att jag har samlat människor runt omkring mig som inte tycker samma som jag, inte har samma intressen som jag och inte lyssnar på samma musik, men det börjar bli lite konstigt. framför allt saknar jag min gamla familj i kalifornien, jag skulle nog göra vad som helst för att få bo med dom igen. i brist på det bor jag här i bryssel, men det börjar bli jävligt jobbigt att stå upp för sig själv som feminist. här i huset har det blivit mycket snack om hur allt jag lyssnar och ser på är konstigt. hur mina politiska ideologier är konstiga. hur det är konstigt att jag inte äter kött, att man inte dör av musikelförtvining om man inte äter ett kilo protein varje dag och att ost är dåligt för miljön. å andra sidan så ska jag väl inte behöva försvara mig själv, de kan få tycka vad de vill om mina orakade ben, det förändrar ju inte vem jag är. egentligen skulle jag vilja plocka upp mitt liv som jag började det i portland, volontära för feministmagasin och typ food-not-bombs. men här pratar alla franska och startsträckan skulle vara så lång. det kanske skulle vara lättare att flytta till köpenhamn istället för att stanna kvar här.

sammanlagt, jag vill känna livet istället för att vara uttråkad.

http://thisisindexed.com/

is so cute..

this is one of my favorites

china gives pandas to taiwan

which is a big political move, etc etc. but the question is; how are pandas so cute?

DN röstning

vissa vill få oss att tro att vi är jämställda. redan. ofta tappar jag bort mig och mina argument om hur kvinnor fortfarande inte har samma möjligheter som män här i samhället. förtryck är ett ord som vi grlpower feminister from mitten av 90-talet inte kan slänga runt omkring oss längre. skillnaderna är mer subtila, och vissa, till och med många av mina nära (och riktigt jämställda killvänner) tycker att det är så här långt man kommer kunna gå i jämställdheten. eftersom det finns alltid "the prospect of getting laid". så, ja, kanske tänker för många killar med kuken i vårt hetrosexuella samhälle. det enda ställe jag tycker klår sverige är den riktigt progressiva amerikanska ungdoms- och indiekulturen som jag har mött, där man slipper raka sig under armarna och man inte måste förutsätta att alla är hetrosexuella. tyvärr går kvinnans "förtryck" bort i jämförelse med homosexuella pars verkliga förtryck och brist på mänskliga rättigheter. och efter att ha blivit mer och mer bekant med third wave feminism, där man står upp för popculturella förtryck av både kvinnor och homosexuella i media och kultur, vill jag slutligen komma fram till DN:s röstning idag. som är en skam för sverige och majoritet av svenska borgeliga män som har röstat:


Sen kommer allt det där andra "det är inte representativt", "frågan är vinklad" osv. men det är ju intressant att tänka. men, det bekräftar något litet för mig, jag har levt isolerad i amerikansk ungdomskultur ett tag och jag glömde att det finns män där ute som inte liknar min pojkvän eller de jag känner, och de läser DN.

why did we even try?

fresh pot, Portland, OR